What I Mean When I Say I’m Rich

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He grew up on the other side of the tracks, so to speak. I kept hedging that I didn’t grow up with the silver spoons of my colleagues, with private schools and summer homes. But it seemed discordant to make these comparisons to someone whose mom died of a drug overdose and whose dad worked in construction, a career he inherited.

In my mind, it was like Bill Gates insisting he wasn’t Warren Buffett.

I was a little embarrassed. It may not have been a silver spoon, but it was at least plastic and durable. Also, we had soup! By being steadily employed in white collar jobs and never buying things, my parents rose through the middle class ranks. And I was now a lawyer, making an income that put me in the top 10% of salaries, if not higher. If he was lower-income, I was higher-income. If he was poor, then I’d have to be rich, right?

It’s apparently not so simple. It’s such a subversive thought – believing you’re rich. There’s a lot of stigma associated with being considered wealthy, even in the personal finance blogosphere. I recently asked on Twitter whether it was off-putting for me to describe myself as “rich” and most seemed to suggest that it was. Some people would have been put off because I’m not “rich enough” to consider myself rich. Some others would have considered it bragging or tempting fate. Others have been bred to hate the rich, so they take it as an invitation for open season against me.

It was funny, because the tweet followed a lot of rabid discussion stating that earning multiple times the median income does not count as middle class. Ok, fine. I won’t call myself middle class – but I still can’t consider myself rich. I’m “upper middle class,” which I guess insulates me from associating myself with the middle and the rich. It could be the best of both worlds, even though mathematically it just doesn’t make sense. (For instance, if you subdivided incomes into five categories – poor, lower middle, middle, upper middle, and rich, I’d still be rich. The top 10% would still fit into that top 20%).

Why should it be a problem in personal finance to consider yourself rich? Well, it’s probably because the rich are now seen as punching bags. I remember reading a blogger sarcastically snarking about Taylor Swift talking about having a problem. Oh she’s rich and pretty and young so she doesn’t get to have a problem. She doesn’t get to complain. Sorry, rich people – you don’t get to have sadness or loneliness or stubbed toes.

Part of the disdain may come from the idea that the rich are associated with wasteful spending. We’re not lifestyles of the rich and famous – we’re lifestyles of the financially independent and the frugal.

Part of me wants to say that labeling myself as rich ignores my parents’ sacrifices and hard work, making it seem like we took a road to success lined with trust funds and limos.  I’m sure, however, that my parents would be very gratified that they were able to provide for their kids. It’s a different generation – they unabashedly want to be rich. They see the rich as aspirational, as good and hard-working. I don’t know when the definitions got turned around.

I would think that of all blog communities, this one should realize that money doesn’t solve all your problems. And that money is nothing to be ashamed of. And that money is really a story that unites us more than it divides us. But once we start defining ourselves by our incomes, then it seems the claws start coming out.

There’s that joke that we define wealth as “a little bit more.”

We are all like dogs chasing their tails. But at least a tail is something tangible. We are always chasing something that we’ll never catch, and frankly when we catch it, we deny we’ve caught it. And I’m tired of the chase. I want to stop and just look around. My definition isn’t “a bit more.” My definition is “I’m fine right here.” Does that bother you? Why? I’m not selling anything. I’m just letting you know I’m not chasing. I already realize what enormous privilege I have and will continue to have. I realize I don’t need any more.

My current financial status is not indicative of my childhood or my future. It doesn’t make me a good person or a bad person. So here is my unvarnished truth.

When I budget my money, I think about aligning it to my values  – not meeting my basic needs. I don’t check my bank accounts to see if I can afford something because I know I can. I rarely have to worry about money. That’s my definition of rich.

They say that women are always apologizing. Well, I’m not apologizing. To be polite, I can say I’m “upper middle class” but in my mind, I know I’m rich. And I’d rather just admit it.

What’s your definition of rich?

The Unexpected Reason Why It’s Easier for the Rich to Save and Harder for the Poor

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That feeling when you see a low-income person with nicer stuff than you

My mother had heard that some kids at our church couldn’t afford new clothes. She asked me to help her pick out some clothes to give to them. This was the 90s so we went to the typical teenager stores of the time – Old Navy, Guess, Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger.

When she gave them the clothes, I noticed that they discarded the Old Navy duds but were quite excited about the name-brand items. The name brand items weren’t better looking but they were emblazoned with the brand name (this was the 90s when that was the style). I thought this was peculiar because new clothes are new clothes. I proudly wore (and still wear) stuff from Walmart and would have been grateful for the gift.

Similarly, when I visited a child for whom I was performing pro bono services, I couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing a Helly Hansen coat. That coat was probably more expensive than the one I was wearing, as her attorney.

Something similar happened when I was talking to a woman I mentor at an event for our mentees. Nearby was a child of another mentee decked out in a shiny rose gold shirt with matching rose gold accessories, including cat ears, hair trinkets and shoes. I definitely never had such nice things when I was a kid, and I’m sure my parents earned at least quadruple the income that hers did.

Why the Rich Can Have Worse Stuff

When I was younger, I didn’t quite understand the dichotomy. When you don’t have anything shouldn’t you be grateful for anything? Why spend a lot on clothes, particularly children’s clothes, when you are worried about the rent, the electric, the car, etc.? Shouldn’t these families learn to be minimalist and frugal?

But sometime after seeing my mom donate those clothes, something clicked for me. Yes, I was wearing cheap hand-me-down clothes. But I also never had to worry about where I was sleeping for the night. I never had to worry about where my next meal would come from.

Most importantly, I never had to worry about someone accusing me of being poor.

My family wasn’t rich, in absolute terms or in comparison with the people in my middle-class public school, but we were safe – both in terms of living in a safe neighborhood but also in terms of social status. I could “afford” to wear cheap clothes because I had confidence that if someone even joked about me being poor, my classmates could vouch for my living in their neighborhood in a suitably sized house.

Why the Poor Have Nice Stuff

If I were poor, I’m sure being called poor would be absolutely terrifying. I wouldn’t have the self-confidence of a middle-income person. I wouldn’t have people who could vouch for the size of my house or the white collar-ness of my parents’ jobs.  Because of this anxiety, I’m sure I would change my lifestyle so I would never fear being accused of being poor. I would wear nicer clothes, eat fancier meals, drive a nice car. I would do these things not because it made mathematical sense, but because, I would want to avoid anyone second-guessing my social class, and thus, subtly second-guessing my worth. (I’m not saying a person’s worth is dependent on their social class, or that it should be that way – I’m just saying that many people feel this way).

You try to keep up appearances to bolster your own self esteem. Maybe you can barely afford rent but no one needs to know that. The very last straw isn’t homelessness or even when others stop believing in you; the last straw is when you can’t believe in yourself. And if you can’t have the stable life, you can at least look the part, to others and to yourself.

Some Caveats

This mindset isn’t only held by the poor. You can grow up at any income level and still have a chip on your shoulder. There are people who grew up far richer than me that might identify with it. But it’s a mindset that has got to be easier to overcome as a rich person than as a poor person. It’s a simple matter of looking around and being grateful for having the roof over your head. It’s much easier to be confident when you have some constants in your life.

Changing your Perspective About the Poor

When a rich person says that he could pull himself up by his bootstraps if he had a reduced income, he may be right. To be more specific, he is right that he may have the skills, health, education, connections and confidence that if he were put in a situation with low income, he could lift himself up by his very own bootstraps. He could visualize where he was before and say, well I got there once and I believe in myself to get there again. But the poor aren’t “rich people pretending to be poor.” The poor are the way they are.

When people point at the poor and say, why do you have the newest iPhone or the big SUV when I, as a rich person, have a flip phone and take the bus, this is part of the reason why. It’s not that the poor are secretly not poor. They very much are. In fact, they are acting in ways that very much show that they’re poor, though perhaps not monetarily. They are poor of mindset. And that can be harder to fix than a cash flow problem. They may very well not believe that they can get out of their situation so the thinking may go, I might as well have my fun now. You may not have hope, but at least you have an xBox.

When people say, the poor shouldn’t care what other people think, that’s a fallacy too. The rich don’t need to care what people think of them. The rich can insulate themselves from people they don’t want to have around; the poor cannot. The poor have to see social workers, teachers, school administrators, government workers, neighbors and family because they rely on all these people to survive. So the poor have more people judging them than the rich. Thus, the poor have more people they want to view them positively. In fact, the poor likely get a lot more bang for their buck by spending extravagantly on appearances.

Additionally, being rich drastically changes how you’re viewed even without spending any money. For instance, I can be frugal because I have so many indicators to show that I’m wealthy. When people come to visit, they don’t care that my furniture is secondhand Ikea because my apartment is in a neighborhood where the median home values are $1 million.  They don’t notice the lack of TV, because I have a laptop laying around that costs over $1000. When I say I don’t have a car, the understanding is that I choose not to, not because I can’t – because everyone knows I’m a lawyer and I make bank.

Similarly, when I say my clothes are several years old, low-priced and sourced from ignoble locales like Payless and Walmart, it doesn’t affect others’ views of me because I’m young, thin, pretty and rich so my humble clothes seem more expensive when I wear them. Everything seems more expensive in my life because of me. It’s actually a waste for me to spend on more expensive things because I will get compliments whether my dress is from Target or Gucci. The purpose of expensive things is so people think you’re rich. If you’re already rich, you don’t need people to think anything of you. People will come to you if you’re rich. If you’re poor, you still need to prove yourself to get a job, friends, connections, business partners, etc.

The dirty secret to being frugal is not caring what people think. The secret to not caring what people think is being rich.

If you don’t have these indicators of wealth, it’s a lot less likely that being frugal seems like a worthy goal. Having the junky items I have just makes you look poor, and no one wants to look poor without secretly being rich.